And that's okay. My mommy wanted the best for me and she gave the best to me and there is not a day that I am not grateful for that. Well, hold on, maybe sometimes I forgot and maybe once or twice I said some things to her that I didn't really mean. Sorry Mom!
My Mom, along with my equally-awesome Dad, were also raising 2 toddler girls at the time, 1 of which was fighting for her life on a daily basis, and all the while my Mom was pregnant with baby girl #3. So, if anyone knew about working hard, it was my parents and they wanted to pass on this coveted trait and in no way do I blame them for this.
So, I was taught to "be-more".
Every. Single. Day.
In kindergarten, I was asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I couldn't decide if I wanted to name my new cat "Oreo" or "Kitty" and yet I already had to figure out how to save her life should she lean too far over my fish pond... since what I wanted to be when I grew up turned out to be a Veterinarian. And I honestly didn't know if "when I grew up" meant next week or next year, as I really had no concept of time at the age of 5.
I raised my hand in class. I colored in the lines. I was the stage master in the school circus.
I kicked the soccer ball well. I learned the octaves and the Fur Elise. I could sketch you a Mickey or a Minnie in no-time. And I was an avid weeder.
Still, not good enough.
Must. Be. More.
We teach this concept. Over and over. And I really do understand where it comes from.
But I wonder sometimes, what would happen if we were taught over and over,
To "be you".
What would happen, if when the doors to kindergarten were opened, our teachers asked us, "mini-Jaime, who are you now?"
Okay, hearing mid-sized-Jaime saying this now, my heart starts to race.
"Who are you?"
----enter existential crisis------
No, but really. Now think of it as a kid.
I'm my Mommy's Jaime. I'm a sister. I'm a soccer player. I'm an artist.
And then what if we were taught to be the best at that. Be the best you. Be the best sister. Be the best artist. Be more you! Even more than you thought you were. Be so freaking you.
I guess the thing with this question is, that once we ask it, we think we have to know.
...Unlesssssss.... we ask it enough and we all realize that we don't really have to know.
And we ask it so much that we realize every day we're something new.
Surprise, surprise- evolution is a real thing!
The reason I write about this is because mini-Jaime and even mid-sized-Jaime sometimes forget that being Jaime is enough.
Actually, its all I can be!
Another surprise!
Life is like one big magic trick, really.
My older sister is really smart.
So are my other two.
She knows I hold back.
As much as I do express myself, in my arts, in my writing, in my love of life, I don't.
I do as much as I don't.
She told me recently that me not sharing my talents does no one any good.
And it is actually egotistical.
------enter red face-----
When you worry what people may think of you and the things you share, you are actually worry that you really matter that much.
...I mean you do matter, as a soul and spirit, you are an essential part of this planet.
But to worry about other people's perceptions of you is worrying about your ego getting bruised.
And who the hell cares about this, at the end of the day,
if the only thing you can be
is you
Then just be it!
The trick is, learning to live from the heart. from the soul. from the spirit.
not from the ego. (this is the thing that makes you think you're not good enough or too good).
When my heart beats, and that place of intuition within me starts to burn, I know that whatever I am doing at that moment must be real.
A story. A feeling. A practice.
A run. An eye-to-eye connection. A hug.
Yoga. Soccer. Spanish.
These talents and this love that longs to roll off my tongue and dance from my legs
These are my gifts
This is my service
To the world.
So by not using them
I am being selfish
Not sharing
By holding myself back
I empower others to hold themselves back.
By not saying, "look, this is my love. as I plunge my hands into the earth"
I am paving a path for other women to say that they don't want to get their hands dirty either.
See what has happened?
By trying to "be more"
We have forgotten to just be us.
We may even start to think about what other people want us to be.
Or not be.
Or to do.
Or not to do.
Don't do yoga here! This is not where people do yoga!
Don't play so hard on the soccer field. Girls don't play hard on the soccer field.
I understand about respecting other people's spaces.
What I need to understand more
Is how to respect my own.
I need to know, each day, more and more, how to respect my own space.
Mostly, the one around my heart.
It tells me things, and I need to learn to listen.
To trust.
I almost gave up on this recently. Did you know that? Someone and some situation almost made me want to stop trusting.
Well, "they" didn't almost make me. My ego almost let them.
The word "lie" will do this to you.
So will your pride. Expectations. Old patters and story lines. Forgetting who you are. What you love.
These things- they lead you to believe that other people have some sort of power over your happiness.
Tricks of the almighty ego. Find them online.
#1. You were lied to. Now, you must hate!
Thou shall not be deceived!!
-----enter realization that you are human. you will be deceived------
I don't want to stop trusting.
That doesn't sound like a fun life.
I may walk around with a big smile on my face.
But my Dad also taught me long ago not to be a jack@$$.
I don't think there's anything wrong with trusting.
Or loving.
Or being you.
A chance that you may get screwed over?
Yes, without a doubt.
A chance that you may get your heart shattered?
Been there, done that.
A chance that you may discover a bit more about yourself every single day and awaken to the feeling of being happy, whole, beautiful and free? Learning to love over and over again, to love more and to love bigger? Turning your pain into powerful no-one-can-hold-me-back passion?
Yes.
Totalmente.
You don't need to go out there and please everyone.
Or anyone.
You don't need to grow up.
To do more.
And be more.
You need to be you.
Your most authentic, wholesome, true, sexy, loving, compassionate, powerful you.
The you that you are when you are doing what you love.
This is your service to the world.
Not your time
Not your money
Your love.
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