You must be torn down
to build yourself up stronger.
This is not a sob story.
I am not a victim.
I do not feel sorry for myself.
This is the opposite.
This is finding empowerment.
That time when you finally feel it. Has it happened to you?
A spark in you ignites and you can feel it aching to grow bigger.
This is not to say that I was not drowning.
I was.
For weeks now I have been tossing and turning beneath dark, obscure waters.
I have not known when to ask for help.
So I have sunken further.
I have not known when it was okay to cry.
So I have choked.
Other days I thought it was over.
So I popped up for some fresh air.
Only to gasp
And awake the next day below the waters.
Most days, I have cried.
Feeling the weight of poor decisions that I have made.
I have made many poor decisions.
Lately, I have been my own worst enemy.
I realize the strength of my being most
when I am beating myself up.
And this is not an empowered me.
And it serves no purpose to live from this place.
Lately, I have seen far too clearly
what it means to be human.
Now there is a spark.
A small flame
That I haven't felt in quite some time.
And it is amazing what happens with a spark.
A fire created
from you.
People and places that kept
itching me.
And I was not ready
So I resisted
And so the waves kept crashing on me.
Yet, I am ready now
So I have let you ignite me.
And now the fire in me
Is in a forest
Of people who keep messaging me
Calling me
Hugging me
Sending me messages from afar
In the form of vibrations
Warm showers
Nice words
Gifts
And I know that everything that has happened
In this past year
On Sunday evening
Two weeks ago
Today
The funeral
The poison
The mind-blowing international education
The misunderstandings
The break-ups
The personal mistakes
It has torn me to pieces.
Destroyed everything I thought I knew.
Even made me question my faith.
Because I know that everything that has now happened to this day
Culminating in what has made me
reconsider
The person I am
The decisions I have made
and not made
At the expense of the life of another
living being
And at the expense
of relationships
I care so much about
It has happened because
It is time for a transformation.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
I Hate These Gringo Phrases (Part I)
Readjustment Rant, Part I
"World-traveler"
"Eat well"
"Follow the rules"
"Go to school"
"Successful!"
"Dream big"
[Disclaimer: Yes, I am a (not-so-proud) gringo. No, I don't hate the USA. This piece is full of political-incorrectedness. It will most likely offend you. I may apologize later. I may not. It's just a rant. Don't take it so seriously. Or, perhaps, please consider doing so.]
For awhile now, every time I hear these words and phrases I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth. For too long now I have just been mouth-washing: a quick fix, but merely treating a symptom that inevitably reappears every time an unsuspecting fellow-gringo re-infects me. And I do fear that the antibodies are getting stronger...
So, now I am here to attack it.
I sat. I meditated. I listened.
I feel I have a good understanding of their* side of the story.
^*I'm speaking, of course, on behalf of the words themselves...
"World-traveler"
"Eat well"
"Follow the rules"
"Successful"
"Dream big"
Granted, they are taken out of context. I know.
Actually, that is precisely the point.
These bits and pieces of sentences.... overly repeated prose... have become common place vocabulary, regularly adapted and applied without considering the context...without reading the ingredients or skimming the side-effects.
And I can't take it anymore. I don't want to get rid of the taste in my mouth- I want to know what is causing it. Where is it coming from? What is so unsettling in my stomach about the sound of these phrases in my gringo ears?
Let's* talk it through.
^*I'm speaking to myself here.
1. World-Traveler
"You're such a world traveler!"
There are approximately 196 countries in the world. I have stepped foot in about 15. Do you really think this is an appropriate assertion to make? Did I ever say that I was such thing? It's not that I am angry or offended by this comment. It's just inaccurate and it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
But, really, that's not where the bad taste comes from. It's starting to dissolve, slowly...maybe. Or maybe I just had something stuck in my tooth that finally came loose...But, no, that's not where the bad taste comes from.
I don't like that "world-traveler" somehow immediately earns you some sort of status.
"He's traveled the world! He's really lived! He's seen so much. He's so intelligent."
Since when did the amount of stamps on your passport determine your level of wisdom or depth of life? One would argue that traveling the world first and foremost requires a substantial amount of financial investment- thereby eliminating a very large portion of the global population from participating in such "life-giving, intelligence-building" endeavors. Does that mean that these people, (who have either chosen to stay or not had the means to go) know less than those who have a bank statement that grants them the freedom of a visa? Does that mean these people don't know the ins-and-outs of life?
Again, let me repeat that I am well aware that the phrase is taken out of context. And my argument is not that traveling is bad or wrong or useless.
I just don't know when we began to readily equate travel with knowledge.
Besides, one (being myself) could argue that you learn much more by spending extended periods of time in one place and speaking with a variety of different people in the same community, rather than beer-hopping from one gringo-hostel to the next. One could also argue that those who stay and really engage in their surroundings have acquired a knowledge much deeper than the transitory one. Take a local surfer, for example, who most likely knows the moon cycles more than the weather man ever will, and who gives love to the golden sand and salty waters far more effortlessly than your foreign sandals ever can. Or the indigenous people of the rain forests, whose traditional ways are infinitely more sustainable than any development plan your international organization has spent thousands trying to devise. Or, most importantly, the humble family, the common man, who has stayed. Who has stayed in his community when all the odds were against him. Who has stayed. Without complaining. Suffering- yes. Struggling- most undoubtedly. But who has stayed. Whether trapped, or content, he has stayed. And he continues to fight daily. And, he smiles. For, perhaps, one of the greatest values I have seen most lost in my home culture, is that of humility.
So, before you tell me the greatness of your travels, show me that you could be just as happy, compassionate and wise if you stayed. Show me the humbleness of your ways.
And, I, too, will acknowledge that I have mistaken privilege for pride.
2. Eat Well
That's what they told me. That's what they continue to say. On every orange juice container, cereal box, TV commercial, billboard, health magazine, organic food store....
As if we didn't know this already. If you have not offended me enough already, USA, with your photo-shopped models and Kim Kardashian baby line, with your "this is how your eyebrows should look" instructions and "red is the new black" clothing line... please do not insult my inherent intelligence anymore and tell me that I should "eat. well".
Again, the context. I know. But really, consider the context then. Do you think everyone can follow this concept equally? Low-income families - can you tell them to simply 'eat well'? Do we provide accessible, "well" food, equally distributed and affordable in all areas?
And how about those areas were good food IS available and accessible? Do we see happy, healthy gringos exponentially increasing 'o'er the land of the free'?
Before you ask me to obsess over my body weight, perhaps you should encourage me to consider who has determined my body image.
You never asked me if I feel good.
You showed me what I "should" look like. On your magazine covers. On your razor blade advertisements. On plastic hour-glass shapes inside cardboard boxes bearing a price tag and barcode.
Before you tell me to eat well, remind me who controls my food choices.
Before you make me learn about carbohydrates, protein and healthy fats, ask me what makes me happy. Tell me to take the time to consider what makes me feel like my best self. What are my values? What makes me feel most alive? What gives me a big smile, or makes my heart race, or makes me want to dance or sing or ski or even with whom do I wish I could have 30 minutes to share a beer?
Please ask me to consider the building blocks that will come together to compose a happy life, instead of asking me to break down and analyze the components of my cookie so that I fit in right to the new summer line.
3. Follow the rules.
Sometime after Kindergarten, or at least middle school, and definitely before college, one may consider putting a good 'ole * by this one (as done so for Barry Bonds). For while many rules do serve a good purpose, as pleasant reminders to the things we (as brilliant, advanced, developed, civilized, but, yet, somehow largely incompetent human beings) should do- such as not steal from one another or to share resources or be kind to those who we may very likely need to save our own @$$ one day- many are just plain BS and a few more Rosa Parks around these parts would undoubtedly do society some good.
So after you teach our children to share (while politicians are caught stealing) and after you ask me to swear to tell the whole truth (while you monitor all the media sources) and while you work on revising the eligibility of one poor human being's right to live on my land (while you exploit the factory workers in the name of high profits and cheap products in another) ... after you do this, please let the general public know that there are some rules worth breaking.
I mean the Rosa Parks type rules, of course. I'm not here to condone bad behavior. I would just appreciate a little more encouragement for 'thinking on our own'. Encouragement for kids, children, adolescents and (for the love of SOMEONE ANYONE ANYTHING) adults! Please consider if the information in front of you was provided to create good for the masses or for the common man. Who is providing this information? Who is in power or control of what is being handed to you or (often) shoved down your throat? Just take a second to consider, as an intelligent being of the human race, does this make sense? Does this align with my values?
(*okay. phew.
rant break.)
4. (To be continued...)
"World-traveler"
"Eat well"
"Go to school"
"Successful!"
"Dream big"
[Disclaimer: Yes, I am a (not-so-proud) gringo. No, I don't hate the USA. This piece is full of political-incorrectedness. It will most likely offend you. I may apologize later. I may not. It's just a rant. Don't take it so seriously. Or, perhaps, please consider doing so.]
For awhile now, every time I hear these words and phrases I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth. For too long now I have just been mouth-washing: a quick fix, but merely treating a symptom that inevitably reappears every time an unsuspecting fellow-gringo re-infects me. And I do fear that the antibodies are getting stronger...
So, now I am here to attack it.
I sat. I meditated. I listened.
I feel I have a good understanding of their* side of the story.
^*I'm speaking, of course, on behalf of the words themselves...
"World-traveler"
"Eat well"
"Follow the rules"
"Successful"
"Dream big"
Granted, they are taken out of context. I know.
Actually, that is precisely the point.
These bits and pieces of sentences.... overly repeated prose... have become common place vocabulary, regularly adapted and applied without considering the context...without reading the ingredients or skimming the side-effects.
And I can't take it anymore. I don't want to get rid of the taste in my mouth- I want to know what is causing it. Where is it coming from? What is so unsettling in my stomach about the sound of these phrases in my gringo ears?
Let's* talk it through.
^*I'm speaking to myself here.
1. World-Traveler
"You're such a world traveler!"
There are approximately 196 countries in the world. I have stepped foot in about 15. Do you really think this is an appropriate assertion to make? Did I ever say that I was such thing? It's not that I am angry or offended by this comment. It's just inaccurate and it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
But, really, that's not where the bad taste comes from. It's starting to dissolve, slowly...maybe. Or maybe I just had something stuck in my tooth that finally came loose...But, no, that's not where the bad taste comes from.
I don't like that "world-traveler" somehow immediately earns you some sort of status.
"He's traveled the world! He's really lived! He's seen so much. He's so intelligent."
Since when did the amount of stamps on your passport determine your level of wisdom or depth of life? One would argue that traveling the world first and foremost requires a substantial amount of financial investment- thereby eliminating a very large portion of the global population from participating in such "life-giving, intelligence-building" endeavors. Does that mean that these people, (who have either chosen to stay or not had the means to go) know less than those who have a bank statement that grants them the freedom of a visa? Does that mean these people don't know the ins-and-outs of life?
Again, let me repeat that I am well aware that the phrase is taken out of context. And my argument is not that traveling is bad or wrong or useless.
I just don't know when we began to readily equate travel with knowledge.
Besides, one (being myself) could argue that you learn much more by spending extended periods of time in one place and speaking with a variety of different people in the same community, rather than beer-hopping from one gringo-hostel to the next. One could also argue that those who stay and really engage in their surroundings have acquired a knowledge much deeper than the transitory one. Take a local surfer, for example, who most likely knows the moon cycles more than the weather man ever will, and who gives love to the golden sand and salty waters far more effortlessly than your foreign sandals ever can. Or the indigenous people of the rain forests, whose traditional ways are infinitely more sustainable than any development plan your international organization has spent thousands trying to devise. Or, most importantly, the humble family, the common man, who has stayed. Who has stayed in his community when all the odds were against him. Who has stayed. Without complaining. Suffering- yes. Struggling- most undoubtedly. But who has stayed. Whether trapped, or content, he has stayed. And he continues to fight daily. And, he smiles. For, perhaps, one of the greatest values I have seen most lost in my home culture, is that of humility.
So, before you tell me the greatness of your travels, show me that you could be just as happy, compassionate and wise if you stayed. Show me the humbleness of your ways.
And, I, too, will acknowledge that I have mistaken privilege for pride.
2. Eat Well
That's what they told me. That's what they continue to say. On every orange juice container, cereal box, TV commercial, billboard, health magazine, organic food store....
As if we didn't know this already. If you have not offended me enough already, USA, with your photo-shopped models and Kim Kardashian baby line, with your "this is how your eyebrows should look" instructions and "red is the new black" clothing line... please do not insult my inherent intelligence anymore and tell me that I should "eat. well".
Again, the context. I know. But really, consider the context then. Do you think everyone can follow this concept equally? Low-income families - can you tell them to simply 'eat well'? Do we provide accessible, "well" food, equally distributed and affordable in all areas?
And how about those areas were good food IS available and accessible? Do we see happy, healthy gringos exponentially increasing 'o'er the land of the free'?
Before you ask me to obsess over my body weight, perhaps you should encourage me to consider who has determined my body image.
You never asked me if I feel good.
You showed me what I "should" look like. On your magazine covers. On your razor blade advertisements. On plastic hour-glass shapes inside cardboard boxes bearing a price tag and barcode.
Before you tell me to eat well, remind me who controls my food choices.
Before you make me learn about carbohydrates, protein and healthy fats, ask me what makes me happy. Tell me to take the time to consider what makes me feel like my best self. What are my values? What makes me feel most alive? What gives me a big smile, or makes my heart race, or makes me want to dance or sing or ski or even with whom do I wish I could have 30 minutes to share a beer?
Please ask me to consider the building blocks that will come together to compose a happy life, instead of asking me to break down and analyze the components of my cookie so that I fit in right to the new summer line.
 |
| P.S. |
3. Follow the rules.
Sometime after Kindergarten, or at least middle school, and definitely before college, one may consider putting a good 'ole * by this one (as done so for Barry Bonds). For while many rules do serve a good purpose, as pleasant reminders to the things we (as brilliant, advanced, developed, civilized, but, yet, somehow largely incompetent human beings) should do- such as not steal from one another or to share resources or be kind to those who we may very likely need to save our own @$$ one day- many are just plain BS and a few more Rosa Parks around these parts would undoubtedly do society some good.
So after you teach our children to share (while politicians are caught stealing) and after you ask me to swear to tell the whole truth (while you monitor all the media sources) and while you work on revising the eligibility of one poor human being's right to live on my land (while you exploit the factory workers in the name of high profits and cheap products in another) ... after you do this, please let the general public know that there are some rules worth breaking.
I mean the Rosa Parks type rules, of course. I'm not here to condone bad behavior. I would just appreciate a little more encouragement for 'thinking on our own'. Encouragement for kids, children, adolescents and (for the love of SOMEONE ANYONE ANYTHING) adults! Please consider if the information in front of you was provided to create good for the masses or for the common man. Who is providing this information? Who is in power or control of what is being handed to you or (often) shoved down your throat? Just take a second to consider, as an intelligent being of the human race, does this make sense? Does this align with my values?
(*okay. phew.
rant break.)
4. (To be continued...)
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