I Need You

I am talking to all of you. Whoever is reading. Whoever is feeling.
My closest friends. People I have fallen out of touch with. People who may not know me.

You.

I am talking to you. I really need you.

I am talking to myself also. My inner me. The me that knows. That has all the wisdom that my ego keeps from me sometimes. I'm trying to find you again. You've been escaping me these days. Please don't leave.

I need you, to help me, let the wisdom out.

Because it is so very trapped right now. Underneath a black tarp and strings that the ego keeps pulling tighter. And I'm a bit scared.

A few times this week, I cut a few of the strings. I did. And I'm proud of that.

I hiked up a mountain by myself. No phone. No nothing. Just me and the mountain. 2 streams of water. Green hills. Sweating. Breathing. Hurting.

So much pain.

And I could feel it all. In my legs. In my chest. In my tight, tight shoulders.
But mostly
in my heart.

I could feel it and as much as it hurt, I love it.
And the fresh air on the mountain swept across my sweaty, blotchy, red, makeup-free face, frizzy hair, dirty clothes,
careless and carefree
The fresh air kissed my face and said
Feel it!
Feel it all, sweet one. We are all hurting with you.
We just don't always let you know.

And that hike, it helped me cut the strings. And I smiled, so, so, so much. As my soul was free again.
For an instant. And a few more.
And I squatted down and I put my hands on the Earth and I picked up the soil and I said,
Damn. I love you so fucking much. I am so fucking grateful.
This
Is real.

Not the other stuff.

And before the hike ended, a sweet lady with sweet eyes and a sweet touch of her hands on my shoulders when she greeted me,
She made me a sweet fresco.
On her house, on the hill
between two streams.

And in that moment. I loved her.
Not for any reason in particular. Not even for the sweet, cold fresco that enlivened my taste buds
that have been dead for days and moistened my throat that has been so very dry lately,
I just loved her in an inexplicable way
Because she knew just what I needed.

And before I left she filled my backpack up with lemons and limes and oranges and star fruits and bananas and guava and I tried and I tried to give her money but she pushed it back into my hand and kept smiling. Even laughing a little, as we fought to get rid of that paper between our fingers that seemed to separate us from the fruit that had brought us together.

And as I walked down the hill with a bag full of abundance
I could not stop smiling

And then, too, somewhere inside
During the passing of a brief moment
When my mind got the best of me
And I thought of what it felt like to wear your sweatshirt on cold mornings
Safe. Trusting. True. That's what I thought then. That I am not sure of now.
I remembered
And my heart hurt again

And in just that instant
I let the fear creep back in.

And so I am realizing that not only do I need me.
I need me to keep doing these things where I go out into the world and talk to people
And run and swim and teach yoga
But I need you too.
Because I can't cut the strings that my ego is trying to wrap around my broken heart alone.

And I want to be totally honest. Sometimes, I think I like it, the strings tying me back together.
I have found comfort
in a cold beer
I have found ease in the numbness.

I have watched the string pull tighter into a knot
As I said words that I didn't mean
Words that came from beneath the black tarp
Dancing with hate and fear and anger
And just saying them
I don't feel anything
But the string getting tighter, pretending that it is tying my heart back together
But really, it is just contracting it.

And I want to expand.
I desperately need to expand. To tear open these strings and let my heart grow
So it can beat again
So I can breathe again
So I can be again.

The thing is. When I started this with you, I made a promise. More so to me, that I did to you. To trust you, fully. To believe in love. To live with commitment. Because what good is it to be any other way? To trust you, I feel free. I let you fly with open wings and you let me sing with my heart wide open. To believe in love I see you in your best light. Caring for your family. Giggling with children. To live with commitment I said to you, but more so to me, that I will give my most honest and true dedication to this life, to this world, to you and to me. 

And I worked pretty hard to do that.
Messing up, here and there, for sure. Is there a day when you don't? 

And I believed, so bad ,that you were working pretty hard, too. Were you? Was that your best effort?

Because it sure doesn't fucking feel like it now. Now that I know that there were two of us, all along. And maybe more. 

So so so so so so many lies. 

And now you see us. The two of us together. Our two faces side by side. Not behind the walls of houses or walls of protective egos. Two broken hearts. Two open souls. Two vulnerable beings. Standing right now, together. Looking at you with pain in our eyes, searching for answers. 
That you cannot give.

Why?

And I don't quite know why. Maybe you don't either. I know that maybe right now I am not meant to know but I often find my mind and broken heart and broken ego still wondering.
Is it because you have built your walls too thick? Are you incapable of seeing me as a soul? Have you no ability to feel? Have you lost yourself? 

Fuck man. It hurts. 

So, I need you.
Really. Cause I don't just want a cold beer.
I kinda want to fucking slap persona X in the face.
But I won't. Well, most likely not, as long as I have at least 1 of you to hold me back!
haha. just kidding.

And I need you. Because I get weak sometimes.
And I check for messages.
Explanations.
Answers.
That I know I am not going to get.
And I think to myself, "Maybe I should just say...."
And I know that won't give me anything that I need.

'Cause you know why?
I want to keep doing this:
Trusting. Loving. Believing. Committing.
I really do.

And I am afraid of these moments where I give in to the tightening of the strings and I just say
"fuck it all".
I am afraid of the anger. the fear. the doubt.
And I don't want to be afraid!

That is not the real me.

And I need you.
Because I need to forgive.
Both him. And me.
And also the world.
Cause we're always looking for who is wrong or who to blame or who's fault.
It starts there. The critiquing.
But there is none but ourselves.

Experiences that have made us hard or hurt or bitter.
And we continue to spread this hurt. Each and everyone of us. Me, I do it sometimes. And you do, too. And you probably do it more to yourself than to others but when you beat yourself up you are empowering others to beat themselves up too, and we are spreading this.

So, I need you to take a long hard look at yourself. And ask yourself, how can you be the best you? Not even today, but just in this very moment. Just right now. Wherever you are sitting or standing.

Because deep now, actually not so deep, but beneath the layer of my ego trying to protect me from myself, I am strong.

So, freaking strong.
But I think I need you to remind me of that right now.

So I am asking you all a really big favor.
I am asking you to please be with me at this time.
Not as Facebook. But as people.

Hug someone today
...maybe me :)

Commit to love today. But love without fear. Not the love you see in the movies that is a romantic kiss on a hilltop. But real love. That arises organically. Be with that. When something good happens, or the wind blows, or your friend holds the door for you- be fully in that moment, just for a moment.
Love.
Love hard. 

Do something good today. With no expectations. When it feels right to you. Let go of your ego or anything making you question your most honest intentions and listen to your intuition and do something good. Fuck what anyone else may think about it. Or even what the outcome looks like.

Trust today. If the energy is there and your gut tells you it is right, listen.
Learn to listen. 

I don't want to give up on these things. I don't want to become bitter. I don't want these experiences to make me doubt, fear, hate.
I hurt myself this way. And I end up hurting others this way too.
Probably just like persona X.
And I don't want this.
No.
The world does not need anymore of this.

So I need you. Really and fully and genuinely and seriously.

Not just the dinners. And the cold beers. And the swims. And the phone calls. And the skypes. And the talks. And the venting. And the music. And the hikes. And the yoga. And the laughter.

Ah, fuck yes, I need all of that! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am grateful beyond words.

But I need more.
Sorry, I am being needy today.
But I really do.
So please help me.

Not in pity or sorrow or anything like that. I don't need you to feel bad.
And I also don't need you to think that I "deserve better" or "am better"
Or "above this" or "above him"
Because the truth is I am not.  I have fucked up, too.
So I don't need you in that kind of way.

What I need is for you to empower me
with me
Together.

So, do you mind doing this for me today?
Could you laugh a lot today?
Could you believe in love?
Could you trust yourself?
Could you commit to your most honest, true, and beautiful good?

Could you love yourself today? Your sweet, sexy beating lungs and your powerful thighs? Your awesome bare feet pressing into the earth and the tips of your fingers with the brilliance to both type on cold technology for you and also to feel the soft warm skin of another living being? Could you love yourself so fucking much today that somehow just by existing you make someone want to love more, too?

Cause I kinda need that right now.
Really bluntly and openly and honestly
I do.

I'm a bit weak.
And I need to be strong.

And to you, my sweet Persona X,
Who one time gave me days of tree climbing and dinner cooking
Mornings and evenings in hammocks
A few dances
And a few sunrises
Patacones and salted chocolate
That was me
It wasn't one of two girls behind a text message
It was a real person. It was really me.
Being with you.

I want you to know
That I am a real person
With real feelings
And a delicate soul

That just wants to love
And be loved
Just like you.

And I know somewhere that you are hurting, too.
And I wish, also, for you to be a part of this momentary commitment to loving your most true, authentic, honest, good self-
Because it really, really needs you.

We all do.