Creating S. p a . c e.

I have this thing with "space".
I am kinda obsessed with it.

In an un-obsessive way.

I love *creating* space.
I think it is one of the most underrated activities.

s.   p   a    .     c    e.

Depending on how you arrange things
Depending on the presence you create
Depending on interactions
ecosystems
interconnectivities

Energy is emitted.
In different forms.
And feelings.

This energy can come in the form of

.p.ressur.e.
Everything squeezed together
Suffocating
Anxious.
No room for movement.

This energy can be

a.w.     k. w. a.    r.   d.
No one really knows where to go
Or wants to be there
Don't know if you should run away
Or cling to someone.

The energy can be
tttoooooo.muuuuchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Too fast!
Slow down.
Caught up. Can't stop.
Where are we going, again?

Or

the energy can be

.inviting. 
..welcoming..
.i n t r i g u i n g.
.lovely.
.cool.

Space can do this.

And so,
my life. my yoga. my philosophy
Is all about creating space.

I am an artist.
[we all are]
I am creative
{we all are}
I love to connect
/we. all. do/

In different ways.

And I love sharing
space.

And I like to be open
And show you what exists for me
What is present for me
In my life right now

My hurt. My pain. My love. My freedom. My ecstasy.
I believe that when we are truthful with ourselves
with our feelings...
And when we can share our true selves
in all our vulnerability
with others
We connect. On a much deeper level. Than when we try to show the world some fake version, of what we think that we are supposed to be. When we try to prove ourselves, to anyone but ourselves...
Honestly, that sh*t sucks. It gets us nowhere. And we don't connect.
We disconnect.
From each other. And from ourselves.

So, I share.

To remind myself. Where I am.
Right now.

Because sometimes I forget.
Because I am far from my family. my friends. my dog. my comfort zone.
Everyday
I live outside of it.
And I chose this. I know.
And, now, I am working on creating some stability.
Some support.

And I share
because I know that I need you
but I don't want to ask you to come
I want you to come if you want to
if you are willing

if my space attracts you.
You are so welcome to come dance in it
or sing
or just sit.

So I'm all about creating

s.  p. ac. e.

I am playing with different arrangements. colors. combinations.

But really just focusing on the feeling...
The energy
Of the space I create.

Knowing that when the energy is right. I flourish.
We bloom.
Like a flower.

And little bumble bees
And hummingbirds
And even mosquitos
Flock to us.

And I need all of that. To keep growing. Smiling.
Plus, a few bites- to keep me on my toes.

There is such power in creating space.

You don't need to try to convince anyone to do anything!

Once you create it
the s.p. a c e.

And the energy vibrates

What you need
Will come.

San Pedro, Costa Rica

I Need You

I am talking to all of you. Whoever is reading. Whoever is feeling.
My closest friends. People I have fallen out of touch with. People who may not know me.

You.

I am talking to you. I really need you.

I am talking to myself also. My inner me. The me that knows. That has all the wisdom that my ego keeps from me sometimes. I'm trying to find you again. You've been escaping me these days. Please don't leave.

I need you, to help me, let the wisdom out.

Because it is so very trapped right now. Underneath a black tarp and strings that the ego keeps pulling tighter. And I'm a bit scared.

A few times this week, I cut a few of the strings. I did. And I'm proud of that.

I hiked up a mountain by myself. No phone. No nothing. Just me and the mountain. 2 streams of water. Green hills. Sweating. Breathing. Hurting.

So much pain.

And I could feel it all. In my legs. In my chest. In my tight, tight shoulders.
But mostly
in my heart.

I could feel it and as much as it hurt, I love it.
And the fresh air on the mountain swept across my sweaty, blotchy, red, makeup-free face, frizzy hair, dirty clothes,
careless and carefree
The fresh air kissed my face and said
Feel it!
Feel it all, sweet one. We are all hurting with you.
We just don't always let you know.

And that hike, it helped me cut the strings. And I smiled, so, so, so much. As my soul was free again.
For an instant. And a few more.
And I squatted down and I put my hands on the Earth and I picked up the soil and I said,
Damn. I love you so fucking much. I am so fucking grateful.
This
Is real.

Not the other stuff.

And before the hike ended, a sweet lady with sweet eyes and a sweet touch of her hands on my shoulders when she greeted me,
She made me a sweet fresco.
On her house, on the hill
between two streams.

And in that moment. I loved her.
Not for any reason in particular. Not even for the sweet, cold fresco that enlivened my taste buds
that have been dead for days and moistened my throat that has been so very dry lately,
I just loved her in an inexplicable way
Because she knew just what I needed.

And before I left she filled my backpack up with lemons and limes and oranges and star fruits and bananas and guava and I tried and I tried to give her money but she pushed it back into my hand and kept smiling. Even laughing a little, as we fought to get rid of that paper between our fingers that seemed to separate us from the fruit that had brought us together.

And as I walked down the hill with a bag full of abundance
I could not stop smiling

And then, too, somewhere inside
During the passing of a brief moment
When my mind got the best of me
And I thought of what it felt like to wear your sweatshirt on cold mornings
Safe. Trusting. True. That's what I thought then. That I am not sure of now.
I remembered
And my heart hurt again

And in just that instant
I let the fear creep back in.

And so I am realizing that not only do I need me.
I need me to keep doing these things where I go out into the world and talk to people
And run and swim and teach yoga
But I need you too.
Because I can't cut the strings that my ego is trying to wrap around my broken heart alone.

And I want to be totally honest. Sometimes, I think I like it, the strings tying me back together.
I have found comfort
in a cold beer
I have found ease in the numbness.

I have watched the string pull tighter into a knot
As I said words that I didn't mean
Words that came from beneath the black tarp
Dancing with hate and fear and anger
And just saying them
I don't feel anything
But the string getting tighter, pretending that it is tying my heart back together
But really, it is just contracting it.

And I want to expand.
I desperately need to expand. To tear open these strings and let my heart grow
So it can beat again
So I can breathe again
So I can be again.

The thing is. When I started this with you, I made a promise. More so to me, that I did to you. To trust you, fully. To believe in love. To live with commitment. Because what good is it to be any other way? To trust you, I feel free. I let you fly with open wings and you let me sing with my heart wide open. To believe in love I see you in your best light. Caring for your family. Giggling with children. To live with commitment I said to you, but more so to me, that I will give my most honest and true dedication to this life, to this world, to you and to me. 

And I worked pretty hard to do that.
Messing up, here and there, for sure. Is there a day when you don't? 

And I believed, so bad ,that you were working pretty hard, too. Were you? Was that your best effort?

Because it sure doesn't fucking feel like it now. Now that I know that there were two of us, all along. And maybe more. 

So so so so so so many lies. 

And now you see us. The two of us together. Our two faces side by side. Not behind the walls of houses or walls of protective egos. Two broken hearts. Two open souls. Two vulnerable beings. Standing right now, together. Looking at you with pain in our eyes, searching for answers. 
That you cannot give.

Why?

And I don't quite know why. Maybe you don't either. I know that maybe right now I am not meant to know but I often find my mind and broken heart and broken ego still wondering.
Is it because you have built your walls too thick? Are you incapable of seeing me as a soul? Have you no ability to feel? Have you lost yourself? 

Fuck man. It hurts. 

So, I need you.
Really. Cause I don't just want a cold beer.
I kinda want to fucking slap persona X in the face.
But I won't. Well, most likely not, as long as I have at least 1 of you to hold me back!
haha. just kidding.

And I need you. Because I get weak sometimes.
And I check for messages.
Explanations.
Answers.
That I know I am not going to get.
And I think to myself, "Maybe I should just say...."
And I know that won't give me anything that I need.

'Cause you know why?
I want to keep doing this:
Trusting. Loving. Believing. Committing.
I really do.

And I am afraid of these moments where I give in to the tightening of the strings and I just say
"fuck it all".
I am afraid of the anger. the fear. the doubt.
And I don't want to be afraid!

That is not the real me.

And I need you.
Because I need to forgive.
Both him. And me.
And also the world.
Cause we're always looking for who is wrong or who to blame or who's fault.
It starts there. The critiquing.
But there is none but ourselves.

Experiences that have made us hard or hurt or bitter.
And we continue to spread this hurt. Each and everyone of us. Me, I do it sometimes. And you do, too. And you probably do it more to yourself than to others but when you beat yourself up you are empowering others to beat themselves up too, and we are spreading this.

So, I need you to take a long hard look at yourself. And ask yourself, how can you be the best you? Not even today, but just in this very moment. Just right now. Wherever you are sitting or standing.

Because deep now, actually not so deep, but beneath the layer of my ego trying to protect me from myself, I am strong.

So, freaking strong.
But I think I need you to remind me of that right now.

So I am asking you all a really big favor.
I am asking you to please be with me at this time.
Not as Facebook. But as people.

Hug someone today
...maybe me :)

Commit to love today. But love without fear. Not the love you see in the movies that is a romantic kiss on a hilltop. But real love. That arises organically. Be with that. When something good happens, or the wind blows, or your friend holds the door for you- be fully in that moment, just for a moment.
Love.
Love hard. 

Do something good today. With no expectations. When it feels right to you. Let go of your ego or anything making you question your most honest intentions and listen to your intuition and do something good. Fuck what anyone else may think about it. Or even what the outcome looks like.

Trust today. If the energy is there and your gut tells you it is right, listen.
Learn to listen. 

I don't want to give up on these things. I don't want to become bitter. I don't want these experiences to make me doubt, fear, hate.
I hurt myself this way. And I end up hurting others this way too.
Probably just like persona X.
And I don't want this.
No.
The world does not need anymore of this.

So I need you. Really and fully and genuinely and seriously.

Not just the dinners. And the cold beers. And the swims. And the phone calls. And the skypes. And the talks. And the venting. And the music. And the hikes. And the yoga. And the laughter.

Ah, fuck yes, I need all of that! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am grateful beyond words.

But I need more.
Sorry, I am being needy today.
But I really do.
So please help me.

Not in pity or sorrow or anything like that. I don't need you to feel bad.
And I also don't need you to think that I "deserve better" or "am better"
Or "above this" or "above him"
Because the truth is I am not.  I have fucked up, too.
So I don't need you in that kind of way.

What I need is for you to empower me
with me
Together.

So, do you mind doing this for me today?
Could you laugh a lot today?
Could you believe in love?
Could you trust yourself?
Could you commit to your most honest, true, and beautiful good?

Could you love yourself today? Your sweet, sexy beating lungs and your powerful thighs? Your awesome bare feet pressing into the earth and the tips of your fingers with the brilliance to both type on cold technology for you and also to feel the soft warm skin of another living being? Could you love yourself so fucking much today that somehow just by existing you make someone want to love more, too?

Cause I kinda need that right now.
Really bluntly and openly and honestly
I do.

I'm a bit weak.
And I need to be strong.

And to you, my sweet Persona X,
Who one time gave me days of tree climbing and dinner cooking
Mornings and evenings in hammocks
A few dances
And a few sunrises
Patacones and salted chocolate
That was me
It wasn't one of two girls behind a text message
It was a real person. It was really me.
Being with you.

I want you to know
That I am a real person
With real feelings
And a delicate soul

That just wants to love
And be loved
Just like you.

And I know somewhere that you are hurting, too.
And I wish, also, for you to be a part of this momentary commitment to loving your most true, authentic, honest, good self-
Because it really, really needs you.

We all do.

Stop Trying To Be More

...said my mother to mini-Jaime, never.

And that's okay. My mommy wanted the best for me and she gave the best to me and there is not a day that I am not grateful for that. Well, hold on, maybe sometimes I forgot and maybe once or twice I said some things to her that I didn't really mean. Sorry Mom!

My Mom, along with my equally-awesome Dad, were also raising 2 toddler girls at the time, 1 of which was fighting for her life on a daily basis, and all the while my Mom was pregnant with baby girl #3. So, if anyone knew about working hard, it was my parents and they wanted to pass on this coveted trait and in no way do I blame them for this.

So, I was taught to "be-more".

Every. Single. Day.

In kindergarten, I was asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I couldn't decide if I wanted to name my new cat "Oreo" or "Kitty" and yet I already had to figure out how to save her life should she lean too far over my fish pond... since what I wanted to be when I grew up turned out to be a Veterinarian. And I honestly didn't know if "when I grew up" meant next week or next year, as I really had no concept of time at the age of 5.

I raised my hand in class. I colored in the lines. I was the stage master in the school circus.

I kicked the soccer ball well. I learned the octaves and the Fur Elise. I could sketch you a Mickey or a Minnie in no-time. And I was an avid weeder.

Still, not good enough.

Must. Be. More.

We teach this concept. Over and over. And I really do understand where it comes from.

But I wonder sometimes, what would happen if we were taught over and over,

To "be you".

What would happen, if when the doors to kindergarten were opened, our teachers asked us, "mini-Jaime, who are you now?"

Okay, hearing mid-sized-Jaime saying this now, my heart starts to race.

"Who are you?"

----enter existential crisis------

No, but really. Now think of it as a kid.

I'm my Mommy's Jaime. I'm a sister. I'm a soccer player. I'm an artist. 

And then what if we were taught to be the best at that. Be the best you. Be the best sister. Be the best artist. Be more you! Even more than you thought you were. Be so freaking you.

I guess the thing with this question is, that once we ask it, we think we have to know.
...Unlesssssss.... we ask it enough and we all realize that we don't really have to know.
And we ask it so much that we realize every day we're something new.

Surprise, surprise- evolution is a real thing!

The reason I write about this is because mini-Jaime and even mid-sized-Jaime sometimes forget that being Jaime is enough.

Actually, its all I can be!
Another surprise!

Life is like one big magic trick, really. 

My older sister is really smart.
So are my other two.

She knows I hold back.
As much as I do express myself, in my arts, in my writing, in my love of life, I don't.
I do as much as I don't.

She told me recently that me not sharing my talents does no one any good.
And it is actually egotistical.

------enter red face-----

When you worry what people may think of you and the things you share, you are actually worry that you really matter that much.

...I mean you do matter, as a soul and spirit, you are an essential part of this planet.

But to worry about other people's perceptions of you is worrying about your ego getting bruised.
And who the hell cares about this, at the end of the day,
if the only thing you can be
is you
Then just be it!

The trick is, learning to live from the heart. from the soul. from the spirit.
not from the ego. (this is the thing that makes you think you're not good enough or too good).

When my heart beats, and that place of intuition within me starts to burn, I know that whatever I am doing at that moment must be real. 

A story. A feeling. A practice.
A run. An eye-to-eye connection. A hug.
Yoga. Soccer. Spanish.

These talents and this love that longs to roll off my tongue and dance from my legs
These are my gifts
This is my service
To the world.

So by not using them
I am being selfish
Not sharing

By holding myself back
I empower others to hold themselves back.

By not saying, "look, this is my love. as I plunge my hands into the earth"
I am paving a path for other women to say that they don't want to get their hands dirty either.

See what has happened?

By trying to "be more"
We have forgotten to just be us. 

We may even start to think about what other people want us to be.
Or not be.
Or to do.
Or not to do.

Don't do yoga here! This is not where people do yoga!
Don't play so hard on the soccer field. Girls don't play hard on the soccer field.

I understand about respecting other people's spaces.

What I need to understand more
Is how to respect my own.

I need to know, each day, more and more, how to respect my own space.
Mostly, the one around my heart.

It tells me things, and I need to learn to listen.
To trust.

I almost gave up on this recently. Did you know that? Someone and some situation almost made me want to stop trusting.

Well, "they" didn't almost make me. My ego almost let them.

The word "lie" will do this to you.
So will your pride. Expectations. Old patters and story lines. Forgetting who you are. What you love.
These things- they lead you to believe that other people have some sort of power over your happiness.

Tricks of the almighty ego. Find them online. 
#1. You were lied to. Now, you must hate! 
Thou shall not be deceived!! 

-----enter realization that you are human. you will be deceived------

I don't want to stop trusting.
That doesn't sound like a fun life.

I may walk around with a big smile on my face.
But my Dad also taught me long ago not to be a jack@$$.
I don't think there's anything wrong with trusting.
Or loving.
Or being you.

A chance that you may get screwed over?
Yes, without a doubt.
A chance that you may get your heart shattered?
Been there, done that.
A chance that you may discover a bit more about yourself every single day and awaken to the feeling of being happy, whole, beautiful and free? Learning to love over and over again, to love more and to love bigger? Turning your pain into powerful no-one-can-hold-me-back passion?
Yes.
Totalmente.


You don't need to go out there and please everyone.
Or anyone.

You don't need to grow up.
To do more.
And be more.

You need to be you.

Your most authentic, wholesome, true, sexy, loving, compassionate, powerful you.
The you that you are when you are doing what you love.

This is your service to the world.
Not your time
Not your money

Your love.

Yesterday, I Was My Shadow-Self

On a misty morning in 2011, I watched (and oh, I heard) my neighbour's cow give birth, unplanned (my viewing, not the birth), as I walked to my outhouse.

I made a promise to myself, in that moment, to give up the real world.
Well, the 'world' that I once believed to be 'real'.
I was filled with deep gratitude, on this misty morning. And a sense of knowing, in my soul. That this was a promise worth living.

When I lived in my former 'real world' I was full of self-doubt. I had no desire to talk about my work. I felt stressed, constantly. I lashed out, mostly at my family. I didn't feel good, in my own body.
I was living in a shadow. And the patterns I continued to follow kept me there. Strengthening my shadow-self:
Doubt. Anger. Fear. 

Today, my real world looks different. It is harder, without a doubt. It takes constant work, at looking at a side of me that I think I try to bury sometimes. But it reappears, until I cry and then cradle it.
It is wild and unknowing. It is without a schedule and stability. It is far from the loved ones I originated with and wish to have with me. But it is a promise not just worth living, but that gives me life. And light.

It is a dedication to climbing out of my shadow. To working through my dark side, so that this energy can be released in appropriate ways. It is learning to express my true feelings in gentle settings, watching them operate, forgiving others, and forgiving myself, and learning to accept, let go, and live true, over and over and over.

Today, my real world is loving kindness. It is nature. It is laughter. It is freedom. It is commitment. It is hugging. It is loving myself in my own body.

And it is also looking at myself and saying "today you did something that was not kind."

This real world, is hard. Watching the wildness and unpredictability of our nature - it can be a tsunami.

And it can also be a quiet sunset.

To continue working through my shadows, I do still participate in the 'un'real world that was formerly the real. Making money by sharing my gifts that come in the form of natural talent or diligently-studied topics, passionate practices or well-learned exercises - - my 9 to 5 presents itself in scattered hours across the day.

But my real world is a dedication to my shadowed self. Because I am ready to let go (over and over) of old patterns that no longer serve me. And develop new ones that keep me loving. So that I will always remember that what is real is love. And I will come back to this place. And I hope you will be there. And I hope you can hold my hand. Not only when I am walking in my light. But also, when I have fallen back into my darkness. I hope that you will hold my hand. And help me to forgive. And walk with me into remembering. That I made a promise to myself, to love.

I Am Well Aware That I Am White

I am well aware that I am “white”.

I know what you mean when you call me “gringa”.

I understand when you talk about “your” country.

I know because I have been taught to know.
I know because this is the language that is repeated and repeated.

Accepted.

If I were to see with my artist’s eye

I would say that my skin is a peachy complexion spotted with different sized freckles, and beauty markets. Pimples and scars. Blonde hairs and black tattoos.

But people would laugh at this.

People would call me a hippie.

People would think I’m a dreamer.

People would tell me to get off my high-horse.

If I were to see with my soul

I would say that I am a human.

The heart that beats within me is replicated in you.

If I were to see with the pupils of my eyes

And the shadows of the day

In the context of time

I would say that today I am pale.

And two weeks ago I was light-brown, and a bit sunburned on my shoulders.

But people would say

That I am white.

People would say

That I am a Gringa.

If I were to see

What you see

When you call me a Gringa

What would it be?

Would it be a passport that gives me more freedom to travel than yours?

Would it be a stamp that my government gives me more readily than it gives you?

Would it be higher prices for taxi rides and street tacos?

Would it be ignorance and conceit?

Ego and appropriation?

Injustice, international trade agreements, abuse?

If I were to see, what you see, when you call me a Gringa, what would it be?

Would it be a good life? Easy money? College education?

Would it be stress? Anxiety? Modern illnesses and lost culture?

If I were to see

What I think I see

When you call me Gringa

I see just connotations

Attached to a word

That really just means

That my skin is white

Sometimes.

I understand what you mean

When you talk about your country.

You were born here

And that is beautiful.

Your country is beautiful.

You are beautiful.

And if I were to see

Just the land

The rolling greens

And the boundless blues

I would not know

Which grass to call Costa Rica

And which greens to call Nicaragua

And I would care for them equally

Because one does not give me more oxygen than the other

And before I was taught

This language that is repeated and repeated

USA, Gringa, Central America

I knew that I am just a child

Of the Earth

And sometimes

When you say

White

Gringa

My Country

Yours

I actually helps me, instead, to remember

That what is mine

Is ours.

This space. Of greens. And blues. And different colored people.

Is ours to share.

But, people will say that I am just a dreamer.

I know what you mean when you say these words

Because I say them, too

Because this is the language we repeat

And repeat

It does not offend me.

Because inside I know

What I am

But, sometimes, I get exhausted. You know?

Because I am a white gringa living in your country.

By choice.

Totally.

So I accept this challenge.

Of a language repeated daily

Of the same questions, asked

Thrown at me

In a net full of negative

And positive connotations.

About what it means to be a white gringa living in your country. 

So, excuse me if sometimes

I respond to you

In a way that is defensive

Or dream-like

Or delusional

It is just that sometimes

My motherly instincts kick in

And I want to protect

What is mine

That is ours

Which is my human heart.

And universal soul.