Yesterday, I Was My Shadow-Self

On a misty morning in 2011, I watched (and oh, I heard) my neighbour's cow give birth, unplanned (my viewing, not the birth), as I walked to my outhouse.

I made a promise to myself, in that moment, to give up the real world.
Well, the 'world' that I once believed to be 'real'.
I was filled with deep gratitude, on this misty morning. And a sense of knowing, in my soul. That this was a promise worth living.

When I lived in my former 'real world' I was full of self-doubt. I had no desire to talk about my work. I felt stressed, constantly. I lashed out, mostly at my family. I didn't feel good, in my own body.
I was living in a shadow. And the patterns I continued to follow kept me there. Strengthening my shadow-self:
Doubt. Anger. Fear. 

Today, my real world looks different. It is harder, without a doubt. It takes constant work, at looking at a side of me that I think I try to bury sometimes. But it reappears, until I cry and then cradle it.
It is wild and unknowing. It is without a schedule and stability. It is far from the loved ones I originated with and wish to have with me. But it is a promise not just worth living, but that gives me life. And light.

It is a dedication to climbing out of my shadow. To working through my dark side, so that this energy can be released in appropriate ways. It is learning to express my true feelings in gentle settings, watching them operate, forgiving others, and forgiving myself, and learning to accept, let go, and live true, over and over and over.

Today, my real world is loving kindness. It is nature. It is laughter. It is freedom. It is commitment. It is hugging. It is loving myself in my own body.

And it is also looking at myself and saying "today you did something that was not kind."

This real world, is hard. Watching the wildness and unpredictability of our nature - it can be a tsunami.

And it can also be a quiet sunset.

To continue working through my shadows, I do still participate in the 'un'real world that was formerly the real. Making money by sharing my gifts that come in the form of natural talent or diligently-studied topics, passionate practices or well-learned exercises - - my 9 to 5 presents itself in scattered hours across the day.

But my real world is a dedication to my shadowed self. Because I am ready to let go (over and over) of old patterns that no longer serve me. And develop new ones that keep me loving. So that I will always remember that what is real is love. And I will come back to this place. And I hope you will be there. And I hope you can hold my hand. Not only when I am walking in my light. But also, when I have fallen back into my darkness. I hope that you will hold my hand. And help me to forgive. And walk with me into remembering. That I made a promise to myself, to love.