I May Be A Little Bit Gay

I may be a little bit gay
in high school I had that dream once about a girl...
but I pushed it out of my memory, my reality.
I wasn't ready then to explore.
I've never been with a woman
not in the sexual way
What is the way that defines one's gayness?
I've just been with women
in the intimate way
Sitting side by side or face to face
Fully present with each other
eyes lighting up
walking alone through the rainforest
Passing oranges
Smiling quietly
Sharing our deepest desires and most heart bleeding stories
I've fallen in love with women this way.

I spent one full academic year
studying alongside some 80 of the most fascinating women I have ever experienced in my life.
I say experienced because they brought me with them on their journey
when they told tales of their history
when they cried with me
when they stood out in the open challenging the mainstream, the majority
I couldn't help but be with them
I fell in love with a few of them more deeply
quietly, from afar
Never told anyone. Never wanted anything more
Just to watch her from afar
In her grace and her glory. In the brilliant way in which she expressed herself
In her words, in her clothing, in her
Being.

I may be a little bit hippie
I like to wear whatever calls to me in the moment
Different earrings. Airy pants. Braided hair.
I love to love
I love to sit in fields of grass
I love to smile at cows, to say no to war.
Indulge in the taboos of life
from time to time
with a smile on my face
Loving women. Loving cows.
Loving trees.
I may be just little bit gay
and a little bit hippie.

I may be a little bit Latina-esque
Can I be that? 
I like to curse in spanish
Eat tortillas and pay no attention to time
Hitch rides in the back of pick-ups
And bathe, fully clothed, in the river.
I love to dance bachata
and rock out to Calle 13
I love to yell at chuchos in the street
And take them home with me at night.
I love to give 'gracias a Dios'
various times throughout the day
Eat breakfast with my neighbors
and not give a shit what time my meeting was supposed to start
Family is more important
always
I may be a little bit gay and hippie and Latina-esque.
That's just how I feel.

I may be a little bit autistic
I can sit for undefined periods of time
plucking leaves off trees, as the sky maintains my gaze
I become overly excited by simple things
I quiver at the way the light shimmers between the leaves.
I am enchanted when people can sit with me, quietly.
I am nervous in large crowds
At times I find it hard to connect with my family
I don't always know where home is
And yet I can find it anywhere.
There's a deep level of pain and confusion
That I didn't create, yet its with me from a former life
I feel the Earth's suffering
It's a part of me.
I love my alone time.
Taking me away from my solitude, my book, my safe place
is a process. A risky one.
Chances are I may not see you, if you don't look me straight in the eyes
if I cannot sense your utmost genuine care
I probably won't be with you
On a level where anything authentic can happen.

I may just be a little bit
gay
hippie
Latina-esque
autistic
book-worm
revolutionary
white
environmentalist
spiritual
alternative
feminist
radical
introvert
cynical
crazy...

I may just be. Often times I feel.
I'm not quite sure.
I don't fully understand or relate or belong to any of those labels completely.
Not biologically
Not genetically
Not entirely
Not for you to judge.

I just know I can relate.
I can embody, at times, the characteristics that fall into the category of all of those labels.
So, I don't know where one starts
and where one stops
being gay, autistic and spiritual.

I choose not to become blinded by the labels
Albeit, at times useful, for understanding one another,
More often than not restrictive, inhibiting and stereotypical, in nature
Causing us to be blind-sighted-
Limited in our ability to see clearly, accept fully and be naturally.

Who knows what am I
As of today, I have not tested myself with any conclusive results
I am still experimenting
Coming to know
Enjoying playing
Living
life

I have met many on my path
Who have awakened a side of me
That had seemed to have been lying dormant
For years before I knew it existed within me
This love for a female body
This ability to experience life beyond the constructs of time and space
This passion for living outside of my comfort zone...

I long to know more
I long to discover more sides of the human race
I long to get to you on a more intimate level
because I know that in this way
I am also getting to know more about me
And I really just love to be and grow in this way together

All labels aside
Or all labels together
Anyways they are all just labels that people invented
And if they make you happy or help you understand or allow you to be more free
Then paint yourself in all the words and colors and labels that you love

And in that moment that you're wearing your own labels proud
and you look at someone else in their very different labels
And it makes you judge or feel afraid or confused
Know that you are in the perfect place to begin
To see more
To find a way to get a taste of their world
To understand one another better
this is how the labels can serve
not to separate
not to fear
Instead, to recognize
"legally blind"
"physically challenged"
"diabetic"
You live a life that I do not know. I have never experienced your hardships
Your ways of happiness
Who you are as a being trying to exist in this world the way I am trying, too
Let me walk with you for a bit
So that we can create a more welcoming world
Together.