Not The Person I Need

I don't need a person who loves me because I'm comfortable in my own skin.

I don't need a person who loves me because I can write nice things, paint pictures and play with children. I don't need a person who loves me because I am a returned Peace Corps Volunteer. I don't need a person who loves me because I care about what I eat and who grows my food.

I don't need a person who loves me because I know how to kick a soccer ball and see the world upside down.

I don't need a person who loves me because I have a nice smile, long eye lashes and pretty hair.

I don't need a person who loves me because I know how to laugh hard, curse freely and sing horribly.

I don't need a person who loves me for doing the things that come naturally to me. The things that are easy for me. The things that were gifted to me without me asking. The things that make me smile.

I don't need a person to love me for who they think that I am. Or for who they have fashioned me to be in their mind. Who they interpret me to be. Who they hope that I one day, some day will be.
I need a person who loves me for who I am today. Right at this moment.
I need a person who loves me for the real, complete, imperfect human being that I really, really am.

I need a person who loves me because, sometimes, my skin itches and I want to climb out of it. Desperately. I need a person who loves me because, sometimes, my skin feels too thick and I can't breathe or make sense of anything and I just need to be alone. I don't want to be touched, sometimes. I don't want to be seen, sometimes. And I need someone who can respect that. Because it is part of my truth. It is part of what I was given or it was something I learned that I am trying to unlearn.

I need a person who loves me because sometimes I want you to see all of it; all of my skin. The beautiful parts and the ugly. The smoothness and the scars. I want it to fascinate you and make you wonder.
And sometimes, I want you to see it just as skin. An organ that helps me filter the outside world from the in.
And sometimes I want you to see it as a beautiful landscape. Rolling with valleys and hills, something worth carefully exploring and I want you to take the time to explore it.

I need a person who revels in both my solitude and my sharing.

I need a person who loves me because sometimes I write ugly things, cannot paint and don't have my own children. I need someone who gets that this is part of my reality that I don't often talk about because it scares me.
I need a person who loves me because I am still learning to make sense of my role as a Peace Corps Volunteer; That not all of it is what you think it is.
I need a person who loves me because sometimes I don't care about what I eat and how it was grown. I just fucking eat.
I need a person who loves me because I make mistakes. I take chances. I put myself out there. I realize I'm wrong. I want to make it better. I want to be better. I need someone who knows that.

And I sometimes don't realize I'm wrong. And I need someone who gives me time. And helps me get there. And forgives me. And then helps us both remember not to stay in that place of shame, guilt and resentment.
And sometimes, to know that there is no right or wrong, just a place where we can meet again and remember why it is worth loving.
This is the type of person I need. Someone who gets that.

I need a person who loves me because I still don't know how to dance and sometimes I forget about my yoga practice. I need a person who inspires me to try new things, step outside my comfort zone and yet not forget about what I love. I need a person who wants me to do both.

I need someone who loves me because my outer beauty is decaying and this is natural. And they understand the wrinkles and marks and changes are signs of a life worth lived. A life I gave my all to. I chose to walk dirt roads in bare feet with the sun on my face because I chose to experience life over self-preservation. I chose to feel fully. I chose going confidently after my dreams instead of using common sense and I need someone who understands that my body is a reflection of that. And I need someone who gets this and loves this, truly, not just because it sounds nice now that you see it written on paper.

I need someone who loves me, still, when I scream and get frustrated. When I'm rude and impatient. When I'm forgetful and careless. Because the truth is, those things are a part of me. More things I learned that I am working at unlearning. Slowly. I need someone who can take a deep breath and a step back. Or a little sigh and a step forward. I need someone who knows when to give me space and when to take me in their arms. I need someone who forgives. And understands that I, too, am learning everyday about forgiveness.

I don't need a person who loves me in my glory.
That's easy.
I need a person who sees my shame, my pain, my anger, my sadness
as parts of me that want to grow
And loves me in this.
Whole.

I don't want easy.
I want real.

I want you first to know that I am whole and complete;
these thorns are a part of me,
and while I will open,
so will I close;

You are not here to be my petals
you do not complete me

You are here to water me
And I am here to give you breath.