Tearing Myself To Pieces

You must be torn down
to build yourself up stronger.

This is not a sob story.
I am not a victim.
I do not feel sorry for myself.

This is the opposite.
This is finding empowerment.

That time when you finally feel it. Has it happened to you?
A spark in you ignites and you can feel it aching to grow bigger.

This is not to say that I was not drowning.
I was.
For weeks now I have been tossing and turning beneath dark, obscure waters.

I have not known when to ask for help.
So I have sunken further.
I have not known when it was okay to cry.
So I have choked.

Other days I thought it was over.
So I popped up for some fresh air.
Only to gasp
And awake the next day below the waters.

Most days, I have cried.
Feeling the weight of poor decisions that I have made.

I have made many poor decisions.

Lately, I have been my own worst enemy.
I realize the strength of my being most
when I am beating myself up.

And this is not an empowered me.
And it serves no purpose to live from this place.

Lately, I have seen far too clearly
what it means to be human.

Now there is a spark.
A small flame

That I haven't felt in quite some time.

And it is amazing what happens with a spark.

A fire created
from you.

People and places that kept
itching me.
And I was not ready

So I resisted
And so the waves kept crashing on me.

Yet, I am ready now
So I have let you ignite me.

And now the fire in me
Is in a forest

Of people who keep messaging me
Calling me
Hugging me

Sending me messages from afar
In the form of vibrations
Warm showers
Nice words
Gifts

And I know that everything that has happened

In this past year
On Sunday evening
Two weeks ago
Today

The funeral
The poison
The mind-blowing international education
The misunderstandings
The break-ups
The personal mistakes

It has torn me to pieces.

Destroyed everything I thought I knew.
Even made me question my faith.

Because I know that everything that has now happened to this day

Culminating in what has made me
reconsider

The person I am
The decisions I have made
and not made

At the expense of the life of another
living being

And at the expense
of relationships
I care so much about

It has happened because

It is time for a transformation.