I Cried Today

I met a really amazing person at the end of 2010 while I was living in El Salvador. He picked me up while I was standing on the side of the road in the rain one day while hitching a ride to town.

He is Salvadoran, but speaks spanglish. He is young, but much more wise than many folk. He is extremely religious, but does not make you feel you need to be. He has a tough and complicated life, but you would never know that just by looking at him. He is my inspiration.

Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if he hadn't been driving back from his construction site at that exact moment that I was out in the muddy roads being pelted by rain. Sometimes, I remember exactly how I felt that day I got into his pickup. I remember being slightly apprehensive as we bumped along. But my gut told me not to worry. His tattered jeans and painted hands told me, "I make an honest living". His aura told me he was a good person.

We became really good friends after the 10 minute conversation we had, as he gave me a lift to the internet cafe.

He is one of those people that you just pick right up with where you left off. Where we have our separate, very different lives, but the moment we speak again its like nothing has changed. Those people are the best. Those relationships are awesome.

He is true to himself. It is what makes him so amazing. He knows who he is and what he wants in life, and he constantly is working for that. And nothing else. He makes mistakes. He gets frustrated. He gets sad. Because he is human. But he never loses sight of what is important in life. I have a very deep admiration for him. And I hope I have conveyed that enough to him. Sometimes, we forget to tell the people who have helped us, thank you.

I had a bad day today. I cried. In public.

Then I sat outside on my lawn. The sky was so blue and the leaves were so green. And I just thought to myself, "Shit, the world is beautiful. I have been given a beautiful life. I have created a beautiful life. I preach about a beautiful life. And here I am sitting here sulking about it. Shit."

Do you ever have days like that? Where everything just seems to go wrong? Or you feel like if the littlest thing goes wrong you freak?...

Like my pencil tip today wasn't sharpened and I just broke down and said "Whyyyy God, whyyyy?!"

Well, as I sat on my sunny lawn today, thinking what a mess I was. Thinking "what would my 'by happiness' supporters think if they caught me, unhappy?" And then, I felt an immediate liberation.

Its okay to have bad days.

I thought back to my dear Salvadoran friend, as I  was crying and saying "this sucks". He used to say to me when Id complain about my poor little Salvadoran community, "ya know, life sucks sometimes. But it can also be really beautiful." Then we'd laugh.

I know what my dreams in life are. That is what is important right now. That I have learned and recognized what I want. It is really overwhelming to start from 0 again. But accepting where I am is the first step.

I do make conscious efforts to make decisions in life based on whether it will bring me ultimate happiness. But sometimes, we all need a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes life sucks.

But surely, you will see its beauty again. You can't hide from the blue skies, the pink flowers and chirping birds. You can't not smile when you see a skipping child.

The first time I cried in front of my Salvadoran family was when my first dog was dying. From that day forward, everytime I cried in front of Karyme, she thought it had something to do with my dog. And she had no shame telling people/strangers, that "Jaime cried for her perro." (FYI- perros are not man's best friend in ES...very far from it).

I promise you, I would not have survived El Salvador if it wasn't for Lili and Karyme. I wonder how far our Jewelry Group can go? I wonder how far these little girls can go? I really have no idea. But I know it would be amazing if it were very far.

I have no career. I have no money. I have some personal/family issues, like the rest of you out there. And I don't know which community is mine anymore.

What I do have, is good health and good people in my life. I have friends like Lili & Karyme, like my Salvadoran carpenter, friends in Pleasantville, in NY, in Virgina/England, in Australia/Germany, in Florida, etc... And for now, that support is enough. And I am appreciative.

Every time I get an email that someone has "Shopped for Smiles"... I get excited. It gives me an extra boost during this transition period in my life. It reminds me of the bigger picture. It reminds me of my place in a bigger world. And maybe it could do the same for you... ?

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I love all my readers. Would you buy my book if I wrote it?